Honesty and Self-intimacy

Oh those darned ugly parts of mine!

I’m starting with a tough one!  As time goes on in my life I feel a sense of knowing about myself. I have had the opportunity to look down deep and see those parts that I desperately attempt to hide and push down. What I can say about the process is that I didn’t go there willingly. I do not know of anyone that has gone to this well from a good place. I am referring to the opportunities I have to look at my behaviors. But, in order to learn to live in my skin I must take the time to examine why and how I tick. Why do I make the choices I make, where does it come from and what are the results. I must look at all of the parts that make up me because I am the only one responsible for myself.

Using this as a guide I can think about the many times I ended up on the wrong side of the choice point. Meaning I made a choice, a decision and it didn’t turn out so well. I hoped I would be better equipped the next time to discover why I made the choice in the first place. That’s easier said than done. I have had many opportunities to make good, sound choices and still make the wrong turn. Why does this happen? For me it’s the inability to be completely honest with myself. I learned this in AA several years ago. I have taught the classes and read the book yet struggle to change my behavior.

In order to get to the other side, and a better place, I must be entirely honest in all my relationships and that includes being honest with myself. I spend lots of time thinking of what is in it for me. I must own my selfishness, my desire to dominate others and really look deeper. What I really want is joy, peace and to be seen. That is all I think anyone wants but instead of moving in that direction and building relationships that support that, I find myself continuing to choose between a  jacket of self-importance, or the role of victim:  both defenses, masks and barriers to honesty and connection.

Learning to know oneself and accept oneself at a deep level, including the ugly parts, will help us navigate the hard and dark corners of life and bring in light.  As I write this down I can sense a feeling of withholding inside of me…a resistance to looking.  I can see myself letting others in just so much, and of course this includes what I allow myself to see of myself.  So, if this sounds familiar, ask yourself what I’m asking myself now:

What am I resisting?  Why am I resisting?  What is so scary in myself that I can’t simply look at it?  What am I holding on to and keeping to myself that if brought into the open would benefit the greater picture of my life?  What could I possibly lose if I took a chance? Take the opportunity to know who you are, all of you, to share it with others.  Know that this is the only path to loving yourself and loving others and take courage in knowing that you’re not alone on this journey.